I don't know what to do with myself half the time I am awake. And when I sleep I feel that I should be awake. And then soon I will not be able to sleep again cuz I can't afford my sleeping pills or my other meds. I will be on my own and lost in my head. I am paranoid to not in a bad way you know heh. I just can't be alone its sad I know pathetic even but that's who I am and what happens to me.
Some people understand and help me through it but when there is no one, I feel helpless and like I am drowning in a pool of tar. Maybe life can get better, I only hope that I will feel better each day.
I know I am me, but who is me really. . . . and how can I find me in the jumble of the other. how can I swim to the surface and smile once again without faking it or just having surface feelings.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Forgotten . . .lost
Forgotten. . . .Forsakenthose words echo in my being
darkness creeps over my soul
that light is gone, standing in its place
is a woman that can't be hurt
by the words of men, that can't be hurt
by little boys throwing toys, that
can't be hurt when someone close
closes them out and shuts them down
Forgotten . . . Forsaken
I was a tree, tall and strong
then came the man that sat under me
I watched him, a handsome man
he whispered to the air but I heard him
his words were huned and sweet
they made me grow, made me stronger
then the day he came with a lady by his side
those words that were for me, he whispered to her
Forgotten. . . . Forsaken
As he whispered I felt posion sink
into my roots and my once green leaves
turned crimson and cold
my bark turned black as ashes
I didn't fall over after he stopped coming to my shade
I was still there, I am still there
a large tree with bark of ashes and leaves of blood
I am the forsaken tree of my own soul
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Devil Dictionary
Rose : the over used, and highly sicking flower that everyone thinks is the height of love. And it is, it wilts so fast
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Family Values
Thanksgiving is coming up and that means families getting together to show how much they are thankful and care for one another. . . . yea right in what bizzaro world are you guys from the 1950's television ??. Most of you real people get the best thing in life to have parents or a parent if the case may be that care about you and your thoughts. You relationships are good and stable and they understand that you don't like something and why. But there are some of you that are unlucky that would be me, well actually I am very lucky to but we will get into the good after I rant about the bad. I personally have outrageously religious parents, Mum is a pastor yep a female pastor whoot for equal brainwashing yayaya. but Mum doesn't get it there are just a bunch of ideas that she has that she thinks are right and all proper in the good book, bah good book. Any how on with it yea, she wants family this and family that but you can't force family to do things and sometimes you harm them more then do them good. I personally hate all holidays and am pagan so I don't even have the same holidays, but am I respect for my beliefs . . . not by a long shot.
My beliefs are met with scorn because us pagans should have died out or us wiccans should all be hung or burned alive. I know archaic and barbaric thoughts aren't they but some out there that follow Christianity think that and to us we just wish to be left alone, nosy wankers. On to more things I say. Now my Mum wants all the family to get together and cheer and pretend we all don't hate one another, but thats not true. My sis hates me Dad because he wasn't a Dad to her growing up boo hoo, get over it already woman your 34 now. My Dad hates me because he believes I am brainwashing my child, hah alot of laughs that one. I am raising my child to think for himself and to question everything that one way and the one I chose. My Dad also hates my Sis for being a twat like she always is, scattered and not really sure what the hell side her toast is buttered on. My Dad is a self righteous prick who thinks he is right and blah ha ha. Whatever man, he knows things alot of them but not enough to make a paper house if you know what I mean. But does he say boo to how my sister raises her hellions oohh noo its all good cuz she is a Christian too don't you know. Sis and Dad are idiots is all regards too bad they are family, now my sis has hard times and I get that so we will give her some reprieve in this, I love my sister probably more then anyone else in my family but she too is pathic.
My brother is. . .well he is a twat just like my Dad, they are so cut from the same cloth as the saying goes but really you would think my brother would hate him since Dad was emotionally abusive yea, but no he is ok with that. Idiot as I have said, on to the next ooh we are back to Mum she is trying to pull us together as we try and pull apart, force is what she is using and that is wrong remember that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink no matter how thirsty they are. Now me, I have really a great family with my husband Jake and my son Elijah, they work with me when I get silly about things ours would yell at me for. And for that I love them alot, I appreciate my Jake for helping me here and there it means alot to me. Then I have my friends Spike and Amy who might as well be family they are so sweet and close to me.
All in all I will have to say that values spread through a family as rank as mine is like spreading cancer into the hearts of the ignorant thank you and I might return to add and I might not for now I am done
My beliefs are met with scorn because us pagans should have died out or us wiccans should all be hung or burned alive. I know archaic and barbaric thoughts aren't they but some out there that follow Christianity think that and to us we just wish to be left alone, nosy wankers. On to more things I say. Now my Mum wants all the family to get together and cheer and pretend we all don't hate one another, but thats not true. My sis hates me Dad because he wasn't a Dad to her growing up boo hoo, get over it already woman your 34 now. My Dad hates me because he believes I am brainwashing my child, hah alot of laughs that one. I am raising my child to think for himself and to question everything that one way and the one I chose. My Dad also hates my Sis for being a twat like she always is, scattered and not really sure what the hell side her toast is buttered on. My Dad is a self righteous prick who thinks he is right and blah ha ha. Whatever man, he knows things alot of them but not enough to make a paper house if you know what I mean. But does he say boo to how my sister raises her hellions oohh noo its all good cuz she is a Christian too don't you know. Sis and Dad are idiots is all regards too bad they are family, now my sis has hard times and I get that so we will give her some reprieve in this, I love my sister probably more then anyone else in my family but she too is pathic.
My brother is. . .well he is a twat just like my Dad, they are so cut from the same cloth as the saying goes but really you would think my brother would hate him since Dad was emotionally abusive yea, but no he is ok with that. Idiot as I have said, on to the next ooh we are back to Mum she is trying to pull us together as we try and pull apart, force is what she is using and that is wrong remember that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink no matter how thirsty they are. Now me, I have really a great family with my husband Jake and my son Elijah, they work with me when I get silly about things ours would yell at me for. And for that I love them alot, I appreciate my Jake for helping me here and there it means alot to me. Then I have my friends Spike and Amy who might as well be family they are so sweet and close to me.
All in all I will have to say that values spread through a family as rank as mine is like spreading cancer into the hearts of the ignorant thank you and I might return to add and I might not for now I am done
Monday, November 12, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Bird of the Hermes is my name. I became tamed by devouring my own wings.
Well this is my first time here >.> please be gentle with me as I pour out my world and yes you may turn away in horror I do
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