Pain

I don't know what to do with myself half the time I am awake. And when I sleep I feel that I should be awake. And then soon I will not be able to sleep again cuz I can't afford my sleeping pills or my other meds. I will be on my own and lost in my head. I am paranoid to not in a bad way you know heh. I just can't be alone its sad I know pathetic even but that's who I am and what happens to me.

Some people understand and help me through it but when there is no one, I feel helpless and like I am drowning in a pool of tar. Maybe life can get better, I only hope that I will feel better each day.

I know I am me, but who is me really. . . . and how can I find me in the jumble of the other. how can I swim to the surface and smile once again without faking it or just having surface feelings.

Forgotten . . .lost

Forgotten. . . .Forsaken
those words echo in my being
darkness creeps over my soul
that light is gone, standing in its place
is a woman that can't be hurt
by the words of men, that can't be hurt
by little boys throwing toys, that
can't be hurt when someone close
closes them out and shuts them down

Forgotten . . . Forsaken
I was a tree, tall and strong
then came the man that sat under me
I watched him, a handsome man
he whispered to the air but I heard him
his words were huned and sweet
they made me grow, made me stronger
then the day he came with a lady by his side
those words that were for me, he whispered to her

Forgotten. . . . Forsaken
As he whispered I felt posion sink
into my roots and my once green leaves
turned crimson and cold
my bark turned black as ashes
I didn't fall over after he stopped coming to my shade
I was still there, I am still there
a large tree with bark of ashes and leaves of blood
I am the forsaken tree of my own soul